Sadness

The Pages… of my life

Something changed, I don’t know when it happened but it did. Blue eyes and I started to see each other exclusively, yes that is not a typo. After everything was said and done he finally saw what I was waiting for him to see, me. Don’t get me wrong at first I didn’t know if he was ready, I was scared I was going to be a rebound and that he would just get over me. I’m not going to get into to much detail about us because I’m actually posting something that is a sensitive issue.

Sunday night one of my best friends Sarah decided that she didn’t want to be here anymore, yes she committed suicide. Last year her boyfriend who I had known since I was 6 years old did the same thing. Sarah found him and after that day she was never the same, it traumatized her and she just stopped being the amazing person that we all knew her to be. The pressure became too much and she had enough. I’m sad that family and friends could not bring her back to the person that she was before, I’m sad that I have lost another person who is so dear to me. And I’m sad that I have to say goodbye. What is strange is that she said she wanted to be with Jay again and now she is, that is nothing to be happy about. It is a bittersweet ending to a love story, almost like Romeo and Juliet.

I miss Jay so much, I’m not over him being gone and now his girlfriend has decided to leave as well. I have no idea how I’m supposed to deal with this, let alone wake up and realize that I will never see her smile, hear his laugh etc… All of this loss is becoming too much for me to even handle, and I’m a strong person a really strong person but right now I don’t have any strength left.

I thought I had someone in my life that I could depend on. Blue eyes. I thought wrong. The night I found out I called him 7 times and he never answered, I sent him messages and he never replied, I was and still am confused and what I could have done to deserve such treatment from someone that is supposed to care about me. My friend is dead and he didn’t care, I was in shock and he didn’t care.

My friend Matt who was apart of our group came to my house and picked me up, literally. He stayed with me in my bed as I cried my eyes out, he held me as I screamed from losing another friend. He was there. He watched as I tried to call Blue eyes over and over again, it got to the point where he took my phone away from me. I’m going through something traumatic and the guy that I adore doesn’t have time for me. He didn’t care.

Lady and Sass are not impressed; it hurt them to see me crying over my friend, they didn’t know what to do since they didn’t know her as well as I did. They have never suffered the loss of a friend taking their own life, unless you’ve through it you can’t understand. All your friends can do is tell you that everything will be okay and hug you. It’s sweet but not enough.

When I finally was able to get a hold of Blue eyes he said to me “I’m a little busy right now… I understand that you are hurt, but I have things that are bigger than me to take care of. I’m sorry couture” This is how much I mean to him. He didn’t even ask if I was okay, he didn’t say I’m sorry to hear about your friend… nothing. 

I’m an idiot! I was there for him through everything, I never told him that he put himself in that situation with Curl, I never told him no I can’t talk to you. NEVER! I WAS ALWAYS THERE; I LISTENED TO HIM NIGHT AFTER NIGHT. NEVER JUDGING HIM BECAUSE OF HIS POOR DECISIONS, JUST LISTENING AND BEING THERE. BUT FOR ME I CAN’T HAVE THAT, NO IM SO UN DESEREVING THAT I GET NOTHING BUT A FUCKING TEXT THAT HE IS TO BUSY! MY FRIEND IS DEAD: SHE IS GONE. I needed him, and he just checked out. I obviously need to stop since I can barely see the screen now.

If anyone out there reads this who is thinking about committing suicide please don’t, you have people who love you and want to help you. If you honestly feel alone, I will help you. But please just reconsider and live.

Until Further Notice

Couture