The pages… of my life
Another one bites the dust…
Well ladies and possible gentlemen
who are reading this, as the title states I have yet again failed at being with
the person I want. The funny thing is, it has nothing to do with Blue eyes not
thinking about it. Hmmm. So yes he thought about it and I didn’t win. Curl did (obviously).
To be honest this isn’t even a real post
it’s a rant about how I can’t seem to get it right. I couldn’t get it right
with my ex and now I’ve failed with Blue eyes.
I have never been very good at
showing my feelings when it comes to someone I like; I keep them to myself
because I can never work up the courage to say anything. All of a sudden my
loud and crazy personality disappears and I become a mouse! Blue eyes knew I
was keeping something from him 50% of myself as he put it was his friend and
supporting him with his pursuit of Curl and the other 50% wants to be with him;
I told him the truth. Yes I want to be with you, but what I feel does not
matter because you want someone else and sadly I’m not her.
Blue eyes had a hard time talking
to me. He wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words to say it. Blue
eyes told me that he has thought about dating me, and that if he told me he
hadn’t then he would be lying, he wanted me to be honest with him and tell him
what I was feeling. We made a deal if I told him how I felt then it would stay
between the two of us, obviously not since I’m writing about it and you all are
reading it.
“Yes I like you, but it really
doesn’t matter since you like someone else. I will always be your friend. You
can still tell me everything, because I care about you and love you” That’s what I told Blue eyes. To be honest he was
happy that I would be able to still be there for him, and that it wouldn’t
change just because of how I feel about him, I’ve come to accept that right now
he and I wont be together unless he wakes up one day and sees all the things I
do for him. I talk to him every night, make time for him, and when he’s sick I
check on him just to make sure he is okay or if he needs anything. I’m punishing
myself aren’t I? I’m trying to make myself not want him, but the more I do that
the worse I get. The feeling of loving him and wanting him becomes stronger and
then I’m back to where I started. Doesn’t Blue eyes understand that by telling
me that he has thought about dating me, being with me makes it so much
harder? I know I would be good for
him, I know I would love him and never let him go. He would never have to worry
about being alone again. I never thought I would love anyone as much as I loved
my ex and then Blue eyes came into the picture and have me hope. Hope that
someone could love my crazy personality, my stupid jokes, the fact I’m loud and
independent etc… He gave me that and now I’m watching him want someone who
could care less about him. What do you all think? To know that someone likes you,
wants you but won't make a move because he was talking to someone else first…
Curl who couldn’t care less…
Until further Notice
Couture
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