The Pages...

The Pages… of my life

I always thought my first blog would be about fashion and everything that comes with it, instead I’m writing about my life and the life of my friends. I have had a lot of crazy things happen to me and so have my friends, its like living in our own movie with a not so happy ending. I’m sure that everyone has something like it happen to him or her. So lets get this started…

I have always been a little bit awkward when it comes to relationships and the idea of a

Dating, manly because I always thought that the guy would loss interest, hurt me and or just finds me weird and takes off. In my life there have been 3 major events that have affected me and have changed how I view everything (the 3 events will be told in another post).  I’ve had boyfriends but the one that I really consider my first real relationship did not happen till I was 18 and in college, I had not seen this person in a year and when I saw him again it was as if I was struck by lighting or something weird like that. I knew I had cared about him at some point; I even grew to love him at a young age but never said anything because I wasn’t sure. I was with him for 4 years, in those 4 years I had many beautiful memories and I had some horrible ones as well. I choose to hold on to the good ones. He left because I wasn’t what he wanted, which surprised me because he was my everything, everything that I had ever dreamed of. I sometimes wondered why he stayed, why he kept coming back, afterwards it dawned on me that he just couldn’t break the “habit” (the habit being us, we were used to each other). The sad part is I did not just lose my boyfriend I lost my fiancé, yes fiancé. It was as if my life stopped, all of the air in the room felt like it has been sucked out, I couldn’t breath, feel, or even sleep. I had a breakdown.

When I recovered I told myself I just couldn’t date, I still wanted to be with him even after everything. I had wanted to be with him for forever, but forever was a lie and it was one that I still wanted to believe in. I don’t believe in it anymore, he was able to move on as if I never was apart of his life. He chose to forget about me, so I made the choice to remember him and move on. It’s not healthy to forget, keeping the memories of all the good times is nice. For him it’s not like that, he believes that if he forgets then it’s as if he doesn’t have to deal with it. I guess to him I’m not worth the thought. How could I love someone like that? Someone who wants to forget and act like I never existed, for the life of me I couldn’t tell you. But what I can tell you is that I’m not in love with him anymore, I will always love him but just not the way that you do when you want to be with someone. He was my first real love, which you never forget.

He will always mean something to me, but I refuse to put myself out there for him again so that he can use me as he sees fit and then just leave me for someone else. I’m better then that and I deserve much more then that. In a nutshell that is my ex-relationship and a little about why my life is crazy.

I really didn’t think that I would be ready to go out into the dating world, primarily because dating takes a lot of effort and I’m looking for something serious (not a fling or one night stand) those just aren’t me. I was in this mind set that I would watch my friends be in relationships and be crazy etc… And then my friend took me out one night, and I met this guy she was kind of into, him and his pretty blue eyes. Little did I know that in a few short months she would be in a serious relationship? And not with blue eyes! Instead Lady set me up with Blue Eyes and lets just say it was interesting. Maybe I should tell you what happen.

I need to take it back to 2011 and to October…

The setting is a bar downtown on a weekday I believe and it was the first time I would be meeting Blue eyes, Lady was very excited about it. Giddy. I had been acting funny the entire night, mostly because she was so nervous and I wanted Lady to laugh. When we walked in and saw Blue eyes leaning on the bar with his friend, I kind of just stopped and thought WOW! You are attractive…. Anyway, we had a few drinks and talked for most of the night, it was fun. To bad Lady and I didn’t notice something very important, we would come to realize it much later. It was a whirlwind; it went from blazing hot to ice cold in a few short weeks. And then the Christmas party happens. After ignoring Lady for who knows how long Blue eyes brought a 12 year old to the party (no she isn’t actually 12, she just looked it) Lady and myself were surprised. All of a sudden he was the biggest jackass alive and Lady officially hated him and because she is my best friend I hated him to.  I was still trying to get Blue eyes to talk to her and tell her why, but nothing I did seemed to work. It didn’t matter because Lady found someone amazing, and he is Giant, he makes Lady happy and that is all I ever wanted for her.

Now let’s fast-forward to 2012 and spring, I (Couture) needed a date and the first person that Lady thinks of is Blue eyes. Why? Well that was because we had a lot in common and seemed to hit it off (yes she and I were aware she used to like him) but at this point it didn’t matter because she was happy with Giant. So at first Blue eyes didn’t call me because he thought we were trying to screw with him, which we weren’t and Lady and myself were offended. When he finally called me it was nice, I was on the phone with Blue eyes for hours and then we were texting everyday. We had set up a date but then he had to cancel, a family matter came up (that is a good reason to cancel), then we planned another date and he FORGOT!!!!!!!!! Yes he forgot about it and made plans to see a concert, so at this point I was upset and little thrown because he seemed up for it. Then a day after that HE. JUST. STOPPED. For a whole week I thought I had scared him off, and I felt like crap. Lady and Sass could not believe he was doing this to me; he had done it to Lady and now me, so obviously Lady, Sass and myself made assumptions about what was going on and why he was cutting me out. It took a week and half before Blue eyes spoke to Lady and told her the reasons why. It had absolutely nothing to do with me, something had happen to people close to him, and instead of trusting me and letting me be his friend he just stopped. It hurt me more then I realized because I REALLY liked him, I didn’t realize how much I liked him till he stopped talking to me. So because he wasn’t speaking to me I went all high school on his ass and wrote him a note. (Yes I did this) in the note I told him that I didn’t expect anything from him and that if I gave him the impression that I wanted more that it was not my intention, I just wanted to get to know him and if we ended up wanting to try a relationship then we could talk about it and see what happens. But then I found this out from Lady, Blue eyes is kind of hung up on this other girl he met. So for all I know he had lost complete interest and may have already moved on but it gets better, the girl has a boyfriend! Oh blue eyes. As of right now everything is at a stand still, Lady gave him the letter and he read it now I’m waiting for him to talk to me. But he still has his blue eyes on someone else.

That is all I have for you guys right now, since I’m still waiting for a reply.

Until Further Notice

Couture.